Thursday, May 26, 2016

This is not hard.

Two years ago I saw my first Paleo approved recipe. It was chicken in avocado cream sauce over spiralized zucchini noodles. I made it and it was fantastic. Like, amazingly good. And that was when I realized that I wanted this Paleo thing for myself.

It was a much healthier way of eating, and all the food looked amazing. And something about fat not making you fat? It looked good and sounded better. And then I started Googling. And I realized that there was something about Crossfit training, something about no dairy or sugar, and something about cavemen. Cavemen? Really? So I stepped back into my world of eating the way I was.  

Over the last two years I have done a smidge of Paleo and had some success with Trim Healthy Mama, but what really pushed me over the edge was the words "Creationists welcome" in the Whole30 manifesto -- I mean book, It Starts With Food. Creationists welcome? I am SO on board. 

I have tried a few Whole30s in my day, and today I start another one. One I plan to complete -- I have never finished. In the past I have done Whole30s (two or three longest stretch was Day 24) with the wrong motive. I wanted weight loss. And I wanted it now. And I weighed and measured daily (a huge Whole30 no-no). But I am trying again this time because I want to really eat whole foods, not just make milkshakes and eat Wasa crackers and too much diabetic friendly candy. I want to eat fruit and fat in the same meal and not be afraid of gaining weight and getting fat. 

So what is a Whole30 and why am I doing it?

 A Whole30, in short, is a 30 day elimination diet and dietary reset for my body. It subtracts gluten, dairy, sugar, grains, beans, and additives to leave me with nothing but whole and nutrient dense foods. After my 30 days are over, I will maybe begin a reintroduction phase to see what foods are bothering me, what foods awaken my sugar dragon (yes, I DO have one, and yes, she's ugly), and what foods I need to kick out of my life completely. 

Will I still have sweets and treats? Yes of course, but on a more controlled basis. The reason behind all this is I had stevia all day every day in my coffee and THM "sippers", and Splenda when I couldn't get stevia, which is helpful for approximately no one. I want to try eating whole foods and see how my body responds. Worst comes to worst I can always go back to Trim Healthy Mama and all the world's fake (ahem..."natural") sweetener and dietetic candy I want. 

Monday, May 23, 2016

One Gloomy Day

One gloomy rainy day in March six years ago I dropped out of college.

I had lost my job two weeks before and we were pretty desperate. I wanted to be open to any offers of work available to me, but more than that I wanted to change the trajectory of my life. At the time I was an aimless business major -- with my career goal to "work in an office." I had no idea what I wanted to do, but I didn't want to do it at that college anymore.

The long hallway that made up Financial Aid and Registration was silent and gloomy as I quietly waited for the registrar to process my drops. Four big W's would adorn my transcript forever. But that was okay. I wasn't coming back.

Six years later on a gloomy and windy day in May I held on to my hat as again I walked into Lee-Kildow Hall, home of Financial Aid and Registration, to pick up my Official Transcript. It was just as gloomy as the day in May that I dropped out but my heart was lit up with hope instead of the dread that had consumed it just a few years before.

I would have started over with all of my classes, but I had two or three that still applied to my new major. Instead of "working in an office," I now had a calling. A reason for working. A reason for studying. A beautiful family, and a path I was proud of. A career in nursing.

That day we drove the forty minutes over to what will be my new haunt for the next two-and-a-half years to place my past in the hands of the people who will be helping me into my future. Just ten pre-requisite classes and I will be on my way. A student nurse, and then a Registered Nurse.

It sounds a lot easier on paper.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Complain to Google

Recently in the corner of my screen I saw a note that said "complain to Google." Can I complain about whatever I want? Here are some things I want to complain about:

1. Trim Healthy Mama orders take too looong. I order their stevia and I really need to get the big pack because, serious, it takes a LONG time to get.

2. My baby boy is growing up too fast, Google. Can we just press pause on that?

3. Dandelions. Zillions of them. And I keep forgetting to buy Weed and Feed.

4. Can you fix Lucas' constipation issues, Google?

5. There were people outside our church today protesting with signs about abortion, Google. Our church doesn't support that. Can you take care of these angry old men?

Probably not, but that was fun.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Where I've Been and Where I'm Going

Six twenty three p.m. Boys on the couch,  me at the table. I have to write. It has been so long.

Writing used to be part of me, something I loved to do, even if I didn't hit "publish."

So to sum up quickly in an old-school set of bullet point posts.

I used to be mad at mom friends who had their baby and then stopped writing. I thought "How rude! Certainly there has to be a way she can post, even without pictures!"

And then Post Partum Depression smacked me in the face. It's an angry and difficult dragon, and it brought along with it the worst thoughts about myself. Whenever I say Post Partum Depression, people automatically think I wanted to hurt the baby or myself. But really it wasn't that way. It was more like I was a dirty dishrag sitting in the sink molding every day and I couldn't seem to get things right. I felt out of place, I felt out of sorts, I felt like a bad mother all the time. All the tiiime.

All I wanted was for everything to be okay. I was in survival mode for many months dealing with it, just day to day functioning. Pouring coffee, drinking coffee, taking the baby to daycare and making complicated childcare swaps. Coming home and feeling so tired even though I had scored a job that wasn't as physically demanding. Coming home and feeling like I didn't have the energy to do what a good mom might.

I got a work at home type job for a while and we made it work, though every month around bonus day I spent hours hyperventilating about whether my bonus would cover the missing chunk in our rent check. My anxiety was through the roof and I worked a lot of hard and wasted hours but at least I was home with my baby.

Things slowly got better as I ironed out issues in my life and with my health...starting Trim Healthy Mama in September of 2015.

Finally in November I went back to work at my old CNA job at the hospital on a very part-time basis. We no longer pay through the nose for childcare, and anytime Lucas is not with me he's at home with his dad, which I am way more comfortable with.

Now here I am, busy as ever but working at a fulfilling job and finally feeling fulfillment as a mom. Finally things feel okay. Finally.

I am currently juggling lots of projects including going back to school for nursing and decorating my house, and I am hoping to share it with you! :D